If you like lunch, and you love spaghetti, then you are going to go nuts for my Lunchtime Spaghetti Fiesta.
This Saturday at noon, if you show up at my house, I am going to be cooking up a massive batch of spaghetti.
And guess what? We are going to eat all of it.
We will eat so much spaghetti, and you will fucking love it.
You will wish your stomach could explode to release the pressure of all of the spaghetti you have wedged into it.
And then we will eat some more.
You will beg me to stop, but I won’t let you. I will tie you down to a chair and force-feed you spaghetti.
I will put you in my basement.
As the weeks pass, you will get fat from all the spaghetti I make you eat. I will have to go to the Gap to buy you new, larger chinos and crew neck t-shirts to accommodate your ever-growing physique.
You will look so God-dammed good eating buckets of spaghetti in those Gap crew necks.
I will buy you designer watches to match your new outfits, and will groom your facial hair to hide your new fat neck.
And I will tickle your neck.
As more months pass I will lose all of my money supporting your spaghetti habit and buying you expensive Gap chinos and countless designer watches.
You will ruin me, I will be evicted, and we will have to live in my Kia Sedona.
We will no longer have access to a stovetop, so I will feed you dry spaghetti and pour cups of cold spaghetti sauce into your mouth.
Your chinos will fray.
Your arteries will clog, filled with spaghetti, and you will die of a heart attack.
I will hold you in my arms as you pass, and whisper in your ear that it all feels like a dream within a spaghetti.
I will bury your body in the woods and nestle a jar of marinara into your folded arms.
I will weep.
So, anyway, if you love spaghetti, and you are looking for ways to spice up your lunch, come to my Lunchtime Spaghetti Fiesta this Saturday at noon.
And don’t forget to bring a smile!