Home- Twitter
- Tumblr
- Contact
Matt Ingebretson
I am a writer and comedian.
I tweet jokes.
I draw Large Comics.
I write for Funny or Die.
I perform standup comedy.
I produce the comedy show FUN.
-
Tweets
- While reading self-help books I like to sip on self-help bottles of JamesonMay 18, 12 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- Currently holding a light bulb above my head and trying to think of inventionsMay 17, 12 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- Just got my groove backMay 16, 12 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- Are you allowed to call in depressed for workMay 15, 12 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- Just saw a MILMLBSDI (Mother I'd Like to Make Love to Because She Deserves It)May 14, 12 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- Mother's Day is just a CONSPIRACY by the TYRANNICAL Hallmark corporation to make moms feel good about themselvesMay 13, 12 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- RIP Thomas Jefferson
- How much would I have to pay Denzel Washington to give me a pep talk
- If Obama REALLY supports gay marriage then why isn't he sucking my dick right now???May 09, 12 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- You sound fun! RT @KimKarsplashian I'll splash ya!May 08, 12 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- And then the Lord said unto Isaac, "Don't write this down but fucking christ it's hot today"May 08, 12 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- I think it would be cool to be like Madonna and have a one-word name, like Mattingebretson
- I'm a lot like the ugly duckling. Sure, now I'm a fully grown handsome man, but as a kid I got picked on by ducks.May 02, 12 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
-
Posts
- Spooky Campfire Story
There once was an old woman who lived alone in her mansion. One afternoon, she was looking for an old photo album in her attic when she came across a dusty, locked chest that she had never seen before. When she tried to open it a voice from inside screamed! The old woman jumped back and clutched her chest in fear! While clutching her chest she noticed a lump, so she left the attic and drove to the doctor. The doctor told her she had breast cancer.
And for the next three years… she underwent treatment for breast cancer.
- Oscars Acceptance Speech
Oh my God, I don’t know what to say.
First of all, I’d like to thank the director. Without him, we would have had to find another director.
Second, I’d like to thank my co-stars. They certainly put the “co” in “co-star.”
Third, I’d like to thank my parents for having sex 27 years ago, birthing me, and then neglecting me for most of my childhood. Without you I would never have developed the crippling need for attention that has gotten me so far in my career.
And lastly, I’d like to thank my body guards, who were kind enough to hold all of you at gun point as I sprinted on stage and stole this Oscar out of Meryl Streep’s ice-cold hands.
Fuck you, Meryl Streep.
God bless all of you.
- Monsters
A father runs into his son’s room and flips on the light.
Father: “I heard you screaming. What’s wrong?”
Son: “There’s a monster in my closet, and he’s trying to kill me.”
Father: “Son, there’s nothing to be afraid of.”
Son: “There isn’t?”
Father: “No. We are all going to die someday.”
Son: “We are?”
Father: “Yes. Whether it be by the hand of the monster in your closet or the steady decay of your body as life takes its toll.”
Son: “What’s the difference between being killed by a monster and being killed by life?”
Father: “Death by monster is quicker.”
Son: “What’s the point of living?”
Father: “Ice cream.”
Son: “Okay.”
The father leaves. After he closes the door a monster walks out of the boy’s closet holding a pint of ice cream.
- Substitute Yoga Teacher
Alright everyone, as you may have noticed, your regular teacher Bryan Yee isn’t here, so I will be guiding you through yoga practice today.
I would like all of you to relax, take a deep breath, find your center, and lie face down on the ground because this is a motherfucking robbery.
I have a gun.
Your teacher is tied up and gagged in the sauna. Unless you want to join him, I suggest you roll up your yoga mats and gently toss them to me.
I said gently! Don’t make me Goddamned fire this pistol.
If you have any valuable yoga accessories, like a Gaiam strap or a hemp carrier bag, I will be taking those as well.
Stay focused on the depth of your breath and keep your hands where I can see them.
Do not look at me in the eyes.
Now, I am going to walk out of here. If anyone tries anything I will shoot you so hard you won’t be able to find your mind-body balance no matter how many after-hours meditation sessions you attend.
Namaste, suckers.
- Child Actors: Where are They Now?
Robert J. Anderson
You may recognize Robert from such films as It’s a Wonderful Life, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, and Tender Comrade, lighting up the screen as a promising young child actor. He was a shining star.Where is he now?
Dead.Buddy Swan
Buddy got his big break playing the adorable Buddy Henshaw in Haunted House, but it wasn’t until the next year when he made history playing a young Charles Foster Kane in Citizen Kane.Where is he now?
Dead.Diana Serra Cary
Known as Baby Peggy during her heyday in the silent film era, Diana was a legend in her time. She captured the hearts of moviegoers everywhere with her natural charisma and glowing smile, especially in her unforgettable role in Fool’s Paradise.Where is she now?
Probably a nursing home.Jackie Coogan
Oliver Twist, The Kid, and Johnny Get Your Hair Cut would have been nothing without the endearing talent of Jackie Coogan. Jackie grew up into a formidable actor, playing the dynamo character Uncle Fester in the 1960s sitcom Adams Family.Where is he now?
Super dead. - You are Invited to My Lunchtime Spaghetti Fiesta
If you like lunch, and you love spaghetti, then you are going to go nuts for my Lunchtime Spaghetti Fiesta.
This Saturday at noon, if you show up at my house, I am going to be cooking up a massive batch of spaghetti.
And guess what? We are going to eat all of it.
We will eat so much spaghetti, and you will fucking love it.
You will wish your stomach could explode to release the pressure of all of the spaghetti you have wedged into it.
And then we will eat some more.
You will beg me to stop, but I won’t let you. I will tie you down to a chair and force-feed you spaghetti.
I will put you in my basement.
As the weeks pass, you will get fat from all the spaghetti I make you eat. I will have to go to the Gap to buy you new, larger chinos and crew neck t-shirts to accommodate your ever-growing physique.
You will look so God-dammed good eating buckets of spaghetti in those Gap crew necks.
I will buy you designer watches to match your new outfits, and will groom your facial hair to hide your new fat neck.
And I will tickle your neck.
As more months pass I will lose all of my money supporting your spaghetti habit and buying you expensive Gap chinos and countless designer watches.
You will ruin me, I will be evicted, and we will have to live in my Kia Sedona.
We will no longer have access to a stovetop, so I will feed you dry spaghetti and pour cups of cold spaghetti sauce into your mouth.
Your chinos will fray.
Your arteries will clog, filled with spaghetti, and you will die of a heart attack.
I will hold you in my arms as you pass, and whisper in your ear that it all feels like a dream within a spaghetti.
I will bury your body in the woods and nestle a jar of marinara into your folded arms.
I will weep.
So, anyway, if you love spaghetti, and you are looking for ways to spice up your lunch, come to my Lunchtime Spaghetti Fiesta this Saturday at noon.
And don’t forget to bring a smile!
