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Matt Ingebretson
I am a writer and comedian.
I tweet jokes.
I contribute to The Onion.
I perform standup comedy.
I produce the comedy show Art Fuck.
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Tweets
- @Brotherwags accidentally swallowed it
- @Brotherwags I'll do that as soon as the tears stop streaming down my face
- Walking the streets of Los Angeles at night always reminds me of why I moved to this city: fear
- RT @talkstandup: Holy Fuck Album Is Out For Pre-Order! - http://t.co/JlPADPPNpy - @davetotheross @weismanjake @holyfuckcomedy @mattingebret…May 23, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- My mom left my dad because he forgot to put an exclamation point at the end of a textMay 23, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- RT @pauldanke: TONIGHT in #echopark fall in <3 @thecomedygarage w/ @brendonwalsh @RheaButcher @mattingebretson @justindecker @katewillett …
- Someone made it look like @davetotheross and I are light-saber battling each other http://t.co/tp2KdzvD0qMay 22, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- I performed on the @holyfuckcomedy standup album. It's an amazing album. Pre-order it here http://t.co/A3tKe20bY2May 21, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- Hey IDIOT FENCING is on the front page of @reddit right now. Thanks for sharing it. http://t.co/M2Te0WVbwXMay 21, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- I got drunk a month ago and ordered professional fencing equipment. Then I fought @davetotheross. RT and share it. http://t.co/M2Te0WVbwXMay 21, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- Can't tell if I'm listening to Bjork or if I'm autisticMay 20, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- HEY the @holyfuckcomedy album that I and a lot of amazing comics did is available for pre-sale. Buy it here: http://t.co/UW0kXR3Fh7May 20, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- Men keep asking me if I'm gay. I can't tell if it's because I'm well dressed or because I keep trying to jerk off men with my mouth
- Just danced so hard my soul left my body and kept floating farther and farther away and is now renting a studio apartment in downtown LAMay 19, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- Don't invite me to your wedding unless you want radiance http://t.co/S0my6R61sx
- My morning routine: coffee, cereal, brush teeth, suppress asthma with inhaler, wink at self in mirror, steal dog, hang out with dog all dayMay 16, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- Starting a book club where we read a chapter of Great Gatsby and then throw it in a trashcan and talk about how awesome the internet is
- Q&A is over if I get any more questions I will start killing animals.May 13, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- I'm doing a Q&A! Ask me anything you want!May 13, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
- If a girl has the same taste in music as me I'm like let's get married but if not I'm like I will kill youMay 13, 13 from web Reply, Retweet, Favorite
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Posts
- Jury Duty
On March 19, 2013 Matt Ingebretson was called for jury duty in LA County. The following were found in the courtroom after he was released. The writings document his time in the LA judicial system.
10:00am
got called for jury duty. sitting in the waiting room. basically prison w/ wifi. an armed guard just asked me if i was a pretty baby boy10:02am
as a joke i asked if there was a waiting room for the “non-peasants.” the guard pistol-whipped me and spit in my mouth10:15am
i made my first friend. marcus. he has a family on the outside. when he left them he told his 5-year-old son that he had take care of mother11:03am
a man vomitted in the corner of the room. he was immediately shot. the other jurors are fighting over his corpse.11:34am
as the minutes pass i lose track of the concept of time. what are minutes. just vague reminders that there is no escape only death12:11pm
marcus is crying now. his number was called. we embraced. i kissed his tears, told him everything would be ok. a lie1:32pm
with marcus gone i have found a new companion. jed. jed hits me. but i know he means well. he’s all i have, and i him.1:40pm
i refuse to eat the food. i believe it to be compromised. i am starving now. too weak to fend off jed, whose advances strengthen2:23pm
someone asked my name. i told them it is #12039452. who i am is nothing. i am nothing. nothing is nothing. pain is encompassing2:34pm
i no longer fear the guard. i said i forgive him. i said i love him. i said i would give myself to him. he beat me till i fell2:55pm
many jurors pray. their knees bleed. infection from the refuse on the floor. i do not pray. the clouds part for no one3:20pm
i cut myself with with a shiv. the shiv is me now. i am the shiv. the shiv understands pain is feeling, feeling is freedom3:55pm
marcus came back. he does not recognize me. i beg him to remember. i beg. he cannot. the guard laughs. i weep. marcus looks ahead4:07pm
i am shivering. and sweating. who am i. cold. i am cold. i am cold. i am cold. the woman next to me falls to the floor.4:12pm
a child is here. i know not whose child it is. perhaps a guard’s. the child plays with a ball. innocence. my eyes blacken.4:18pm
the guards drag out bodies. new jurors replace them. they are confused. they know not what comes. i will tell them. they will know4:30pm
a juror cried out for mother. i held him. stroked his hair. he sweat, spasmed, whispered his last words: “i am childless”4:44pm
my number was called. i kiss a woman next to me. we weep, express love. the guard hits me. i am gone. goodbye goodbye goodbye - Interview with Matt Ingebretson
In this interview Matt Ingebretson digs deep into the mind of Matt Ingebretson and the sparks really fly.
Matt Ingebretson: Hey.
Matt Ingebretson: Get out of my life.
Matt Ingebretson: Yeah.
- Dissertation
Below is a copy of the doctoral dissertation I wrote on the escalating invasiveness of federal and state police forces on American citizens. The argument takes into account the juxtaposition between the views of both sides of the issue, and the ways in which that divisiveness at its core is simply a manifestation of the failed police state.
Thesis: Fuck da police.
Arguments:
- One time da police arrested my ass.
- No one likes da police.
- Da police is bad.
Counter Argument: Da police is good?
Rebuttal: Shut da fuck up.
Conclusion: Fuck da police.
- Top Ten Ways to Misspell "Ingebretson" in 2012
- Ingebuttson
- Inkblotson
- Ingebretdaughter
- IngmarBergman
- Fartyfartson
- Dingerderter
- Lardyfatbitch
- Dumbfootbartlebeetson
- Inga the Swedish Nymph
- Diarrhea
- ChillwaveI recently discovered “Chillwave.” Wikipedia has this to say about Chillwave:
- Chillwave, sometimes also referred to as glo-fi, is a genre of music whose artists are often characterized by their heavy use of effects processing, synthesizers, looping, sampling, and heavily filtered vocals with simple melodic lines.
After listening to and being gripped by the sexy noises of Chillwave, my ears cried out for more, so I looked into sub-genres of Chillwave, which I have listed below. These are my new favorite Chillwavey genres of music:- Super Chillwave
- Milkywave
- Wavewave
- Hey guys look it’s a wave
- Wavechillwave
- Just a guy hitting a synthesizer with a hammer
- Everyone has momswave
- Chillwave 2: Chill’s Got a Brand New Wave
- Bluegrass
- Wave Thomas, Founder of Wendy’s
- Wave goodbye to your father he’s going to warwave
- Spooky Campfire Story
There once was an old woman who lived alone in her mansion. One afternoon, she was looking for an old photo album in her attic when she came across a dusty, locked chest that she had never seen before. When she tried to open it a voice from inside screamed! The old woman jumped back and clutched her chest in fear! While clutching her chest she noticed a lump, so she left the attic and drove to the doctor. The doctor told her she had breast cancer.
And for the next three years… she underwent treatment for breast cancer.
- Oscars Acceptance Speech
Oh my God, I don’t know what to say.
First of all, I’d like to thank the director. Without him, we would have had to find another director.
Second, I’d like to thank my co-stars. They certainly put the “co” in “co-star.”
Third, I’d like to thank my parents for having sex 27 years ago, birthing me, and then neglecting me for most of my childhood. Without you I would never have developed the crippling need for attention that has gotten me so far in my career.
And lastly, I’d like to thank my body guards, who were kind enough to hold all of you at gun point as I sprinted on stage and stole this Oscar out of Meryl Streep’s ice-cold hands.
Fuck you, Meryl Streep.
God bless all of you.
- Monsters
A father runs into his son’s room and flips on the light.
Father: “I heard you screaming. What’s wrong?”
Son: “There’s a monster in my closet, and he’s trying to kill me.”
Father: “Son, there’s nothing to be afraid of.”
Son: “There isn’t?”
Father: “No. We are all going to die someday.”
Son: “We are?”
Father: “Yes. Whether it be by the hand of the monster in your closet or the steady decay of your body as life takes its toll.”
Son: “What’s the difference between being killed by a monster and being killed by life?”
Father: “Death by monster is quicker.”
Son: “What’s the point of living?”
Father: “Ice cream.”
Son: “Okay.”
The father leaves. After he closes the door a monster walks out of the boy’s closet holding a pint of ice cream.
- Substitute Yoga Teacher
Alright everyone, as you may have noticed, your regular teacher Bryan Yee isn’t here, so I will be guiding you through yoga practice today.
I would like all of you to relax, take a deep breath, find your center, and lie face down on the ground because this is a motherfucking robbery.
I have a gun.
Your teacher is tied up and gagged in the sauna. Unless you want to join him, I suggest you roll up your yoga mats and gently toss them to me.
I said gently! Don’t make me Goddamned fire this pistol.
If you have any valuable yoga accessories, like a Gaiam strap or a hemp carrier bag, I will be taking those as well.
Stay focused on the depth of your breath and keep your hands where I can see them.
Do not look at me in the eyes.
Now, I am going to walk out of here. If anyone tries anything I will shoot you so hard you won’t be able to find your mind-body balance no matter how many after-hours meditation sessions you attend.
Namaste, suckers.
- Child Actors: Where are They Now?
Robert J. Anderson
You may recognize Robert from such films as It’s a Wonderful Life, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, and Tender Comrade, lighting up the screen as a promising young child actor. He was a shining star.Where is he now?
Dead.Buddy Swan
Buddy got his big break playing the adorable Buddy Henshaw in Haunted House, but it wasn’t until the next year when he made history playing a young Charles Foster Kane in Citizen Kane.Where is he now?
Dead.Diana Serra Cary
Known as Baby Peggy during her heyday in the silent film era, Diana was a legend in her time. She captured the hearts of moviegoers everywhere with her natural charisma and glowing smile, especially in her unforgettable role in Fool’s Paradise.Where is she now?
Probably a nursing home.Jackie Coogan
Oliver Twist, The Kid, and Johnny Get Your Hair Cut would have been nothing without the endearing talent of Jackie Coogan. Jackie grew up into a formidable actor, playing the dynamo character Uncle Fester in the 1960s sitcom Adams Family.Where is he now?
Super dead. - You are Invited to My Lunchtime Spaghetti Fiesta
If you like lunch, and you love spaghetti, then you are going to go nuts for my Lunchtime Spaghetti Fiesta.
This Saturday at noon, if you show up at my house, I am going to be cooking up a massive batch of spaghetti.
And guess what? We are going to eat all of it.
We will eat so much spaghetti, and you will fucking love it.
You will wish your stomach could explode to release the pressure of all of the spaghetti you have wedged into it.
And then we will eat some more.
You will beg me to stop, but I won’t let you. I will tie you down to a chair and force-feed you spaghetti.
I will put you in my basement.
As the weeks pass, you will get fat from all the spaghetti I make you eat. I will have to go to the Gap to buy you new, larger chinos and crew neck t-shirts to accommodate your ever-growing physique.
You will look so God-dammed good eating buckets of spaghetti in those Gap crew necks.
I will buy you designer watches to match your new outfits, and will groom your facial hair to hide your new fat neck.
And I will tickle your neck.
As more months pass I will lose all of my money supporting your spaghetti habit and buying you expensive Gap chinos and countless designer watches.
You will ruin me, I will be evicted, and we will have to live in my Kia Sedona.
We will no longer have access to a stovetop, so I will feed you dry spaghetti and pour cups of cold spaghetti sauce into your mouth.
Your chinos will fray.
Your arteries will clog, filled with spaghetti, and you will die of a heart attack.
I will hold you in my arms as you pass, and whisper in your ear that it all feels like a dream within a spaghetti.
I will bury your body in the woods and nestle a jar of marinara into your folded arms.
I will weep.
So, anyway, if you love spaghetti, and you are looking for ways to spice up your lunch, come to my Lunchtime Spaghetti Fiesta this Saturday at noon.
And don’t forget to bring a smile!
